Heavy, Down

The title of today's post is "heavy, down" which is the opposite of light. I know that many bloggers like to keep things light, this is their space to share simple things like food, family activities, and fashion (did not mean that to be an alliteration!).  I like that too, but I have been known to write my opinion about various topics over the years.  I want you to know who I am and what I believe in, and sometimes that's more than baseball and ski mom. So here are a few non-lighthearted things that have been on my mind:

Charlie Kirk - Listen, I had never heard this man’s name until he was killed last week, although I am aware of US politics, I am not embroiled in it and I would be even less familiar with Republican players,  so my comment on this is really not directed at Mr. Kirk and his views.  My feeling is that people should be permitted to speak freely, on a university campus of all places, and be safe.  I should not however, that the right to free speech does not extend to hate speech, in my opinion, and in the interpretation of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.  But even hate speech, if that is how you could interpret some of Mr. Kirk's viewpoints and I can't really say that since I don't know much about him, should not be met with a bullet. The gun violence day after day is so disheartening.

Chat GPT episode on The Daily podcast - Yesterday's episode of The Daily addresses the feedback loop that people can get stuck in when they regularly interact with AI chatbots.  The sad part of the episode is about a teenage boy that committed suicide and then his parents found the dialogue with Chat GPT and it was quite disturbing what was being spit out at this teenager.  Suicide is one of my worst fears. Hearing from the parents who found him, and not knowing he was struggling, that is the true heartbreaking part. 

Israel/Gaza - This topic is so rife with controversy that many people avoid commenting on it at all, and I'm often included in that.  Every few years, the conflict reaches a certain level and we are all reminded about it again, and then when nothing is resolved, people lose interest. It's a cycle that seems unbreaking and I don't have any solutions either.  Ultimately everyone deserves to live in peace, on both sides.

9/11 - Every so often something comes across my Instagram algorithm with video footage of that day, and I always watch it. And of course since 9/11 was last week more has been popping up.  Even though I know what happens I am always still in shock seeing the footage, when the second plane hits, I will often clutch my hands to my chest like I'm seeing it again for the first time. It was trauma that lives on for many of us today, even for those like me that was hundreds of kilometers away safe in Canada. That's maybe why I love Come From Away so much because it demonstrates the humanity that lives on, despite that trauma. 

So if you are like me, feeling pulled down sometimes, this is your reminder that it's okay to feel that way and speak about tough things. For me, these things are part of the fabric of my life and I can't let myself feel continuously upset, but I don't turn a blind eye either. 

Restaurant Pet Peeves

I love an opportunity to complain and this week I'm sharing the things that annoy me when I'm out at a restaurant:

Sharing plates.  I don't like to share food, except in very limited circumstances.  I don't mind sharing an appetizer, but when it is time for my meal, I like to order the thing I want and enjoy it myself.  It can be difficult when you are with co-workers or in a larger group of friends, it can get complicated (not to mention expensive) and I always have anxiety making sure I don't take too much but also wanting to enjoy it. 

"The food will come out when it's ready".  This is related to the sharing plates peeve noted above.  Why can't the kitchen and/or server time things appropriately so we can eat the meal together? We're not grazing at a buffet, we are sitting down at the table.

Food coming out too fast.  The other day we were at a restaurant for lunch and ordered some crab dip to share as an appetizer (see, I'm not a total monster), and then our meals. The meals came immediately after the dip, before we could even start eating it.  Unless the table says they are in a hurry and need to get out, the server should put the orders in at a pace that makes sense for dining.  It may not be perfect timing all the time, depending on how busy the kitchen is, but the server should know how long things take and have the mains come out after the appetizers have been enjoyed. 

Dishes being brought out at the wrong time.  When someone orders something off the appetizer or salad menu but as their main, the server should clarify that, if it's not already obvious (i.e. they didn't order a main as well) so that the person gets their meal when everyone else gets their main.  

Server disappearing at the end of the meal. The meal is wrapping up, we may or may not have been offered coffee, but it's time to bring the bill to the table, and the server is nowhere to be found. This is especially annoying when you have children that just need to leave the restaurant. 

Only QR Code Menus. I know that the QR code made a triumphant comeback during the pandemic, and sometimes it can come in handy, but if I am sitting down to eat at a restaurant, I want a real menu in my hands that I can read. 

Menus not shared on websites.  For all that I like a paper menu, if I know I will be going somewhere, I will look up the menu ahead of time so I can get a sense of what I will want to order. 

Restaurants that don't offer to split the bill.  I think this is less common now, the software makes it easier to split up the tables, even bottles of wine or appetizers. There are times when one person is treating the whole table, but more often than not, we need separate bills.

Not enough bread/chips/crackers.  I love a warm dip, but I do not love when it is accompanied by two scant pieces of crostini or whatever.  Restaurants need to figure out this ratio. Appreciating they don't want anything going to waste, they should still have some idea of what would be the appropriate amount of the accompanying vehicle for the dip.

Small ice for certain cocktails.  If you're serving a nice cocktail that costs at least $15, the ice needs to be right.  I do not want a negroni with a bunch of little ice cubes, only one large ice cube will do. 

Okay, I'll stop now - off to check the menu for Daphne where I am going to for lunch today :)

Hot Takes

Just a few random thoughts on a Monday:

With Love, Meghan

Okay, I am always back and forth on the Sussexes, but I am down for this show of Meghan's.  I have always enjoyed a cooking show, and in the tradition of Martha Stewart, I just love watching people do pretty things and make yummy looking food.  I know that people are sort of "hate watching" this show and ripping Meghan in various online forums, but whatever. They can do what they want.  Maybe she is trying too hard to be perfect, but I really do think she loves this stuff and good for her.  I am inspired to make a few of the things from her show.  I've also figured out that I would love to be able to just go out to the garden with all of the time in the world to pick up different things and then cook with them.  This is similar to what Stanley Tucci does in the kitchen.  I never feel like I really have enough time to do it myself, so it is lovely to watch someone else do it. 

Canada's Federal Election

Get ready Canada, we are finally going into our next Federal Election, choosing the party who will guide us through these turbulent times.  You know I have always been a supporter of Justin Trudeau and the Liberals, even during the last few months when his popularity was waning.  I am therefore strongly in favour of the Liberals this time around with the new leader Mark Carney.  I acknowledge that people have different views but I really do have some challenges with the Conservative leader, Pierre Poilievre, chief among them why he won't get security clearance so he can be properly briefed on the foreign interference and possible involvement of his own Members of Parliament.  If a Conservative candidate shows up at my door, that is the question I will be asking them. 

Timothee Chalamet

I admit I wasn't a real Timmy fan, but I'm all in now.  We just watched A Complete Unknown on the weekend and he was amazing! He deserved all of the accolades for that performance. By the second half of the movie I had to remind myself I was watching an actor.  Not to mention Monica Barbaro as Joan Baez, a fabulous singer! Now we have some Bob Dylan on our playlists.  I always loved Hurricane and I'm happy to revisit it now.

The Anxious Generation 

Some of you have read the book noted above by Jonathan Haidt. I have not read the book but I heard him on Dax Shepherd's podcast the other day.  I could understand what he was saying about the video games and social media problems with our kids (and probably ourselves too) and the consequences of the dopamine hits that come along with that.  I can take some of that advice and encourage our kids to spend less time on video games and spend more time on things that challenge them in real ways.  I sort of relate it to drinking orange juice or eating an orange.  If you just drink the orange juice, your body is hit with all of that sugar.  But if you eat the whole orange, the sugar is there, but is accompanied by fibre so your body breaks it down more slowly and gets more out of it. Doing things that require a bit more work to get the dopamine hit is like adding the "fibre" to the fun, the end the effect is longer lasting and more effective.  That all being said, I never really like these non-fiction books based on one topic, the author then tends to attribute everything to one hypothesis, and I live in a world of grey where there is no one answer to everything.  So I'll take the overarching message, but I don't think I'll be reading the book. 

Happy Monday!

Random Thoughts

As we finally get to the end of this long month, I am collecting some random thoughts:

It has been a tough few weeks (months, years?) of upsetting news stories, and it can be overwhelming at times. I know a lot of people say they do not pay attention to the news or current events because of this. I believe however that it doesn't serve us, personally or as a society, to ignore things that happen.  I know it can be overwhelming, we are inundated from all kinds of places, and the headlines are always so dire and hyperbolic.  Instead I think we just need to find a couple of news sources that we trust and just limit our exposure to that sources.  My sources are Peter Mansbridge's podcast The Bridge, The Globe and Mail newspaper website, and sometimes CBC's The National. Just over the past week I've stopped logging into Twitter as I just don't trust what comes across there, even when I've curated who I follow.  Also my home page on my work computer was automatically set to a news headlines page, and I've changed it because the stories were just not worthy of my time.  (I did keep Twitter in case I need to know anything about the subway.)

There is a scene from A Real Pain, the Jesse Eisenberg movie, starring Jesse and Kieran Culkin where Kieran's character gets really upset that people are ignoring what is going on.  It made so much sense and I cannot even try to recreate it here.  If you've seen the movie you may remember it.  But it expressed what I was trying to say above. The whole movie is good. 

The destruction caused by the fires in Los Angeles is just so sad to see, and since many of the homes destroyed were in an affluent area, it makes you think about all of the artwork, custom furniture, premium linens, expensive purses and shoes, and all of the other things lost in the fires.  It really makes me think what is this all for?  We work so hard to make our houses homes with all of the things made to our liking, curating our collections of whatever is important to us, but then it can just disappear in an instant.  I know fires are not new, but I've been thinking more about this lately because we have heard from lots of people that lost those "fancy" things.

Is "tush push" a new concept in the NFL? I have heard it multiple times in each game in the past couple of weeks but I really can't remember hearing it before.  It sounds like one of Ducky and Bunny's failed plans from Toy Story 4, iykyk.  Or maybe it's just Baader-Meinhof. 

Current Thoughts

It is crazy that someone shot at former President Trump, crazy.

It is sad that we live in a world where our leaders are not safe.

It is also sad that there is a candidate for President that is shot at and the reaction of many people is “too bad they missed”. It means that he is so polarizing that people feel comfortable wishing him dead. 

It’s also crazy that I didn’t talk about this with anyone else on Sunday, even though I talked to many people. But our world is such that this event is just another day that didn’t seem to be at the top of anyone’s mind.

I was excited to see Princesses Catherine and Charlotte at Wimbledon yesterday. They both looked so nice. 

I keep forgetting this is an Olympic year; we need more promotion to get us hyped up. 

People that don’t take their backpack off on the subway are equivalent to the ones that don’t put their shopping cart back.

What is up with the LCBO (liquor store)? Can’t they get their act together to get back to work? I’m not desperate for alcohol or anything but the strike just seems like a big waste of everyone’s time.

What is on your mind?  

Happy Monday!

Cell Phones in Schools

Cell phones in schools has been a big topic here for the past few days.  The Province of Ontario recently introduced its plan to restrict cell phone use (and vaping) in schools.  I have a few opinions about this so I thought I would write about it here. 

My oldest son, E, is in Grade 7 (12 years old) and he does have a cell phone.  He was one of the last kids in his class to get one and if it was solely up to me he still wouldn't have one.  My position was that he just didn't need it.  However since he got it in the fall he has been quite responsible with it and does use it to stay in touch with his friends by texting.  He does not have any social media accounts, he doesn't watch much (if any) YouTube, and by checking in on his group chats I can see that mostly he is discussing video games and school work.  

Our school (part of the English public school system in Toronto and has kids from Junior Kindergarten to Grade 8) has rules for cell phone use, and they actually seem to align with what the Province has proposed.  Kids up to grade 6 have to power down their phones and are not permitted to use them at all during the school day.  Kids in grades 7 and 8 cannot have their phones in class and need to keep them in their locker.  If they want to have them at lunch, they can use them off of school property (since they are allowed to leave for lunch). However I am told, and have seen for myself when I'm there to volunteer on pizza day, that the rules are not being enforced.  Kids have them all the time and especially have them at lunch on school property.  The grade 7s and 8s all sit in the lunch room looking at and playing with their phones.  I'm also told that social media, particularly Snapchat, is a big problem and causes a lot of distractions for the kids.  Now E tells me that he does leave his phone in his locker, as he is told to do, and I have no reason not to believe him. 

Apparently the reason why the school is having trouble enforcing the rules is that parents are pushing back saying they must be able to get in touch with their kids at any time throughout the day.  First of all, I can't believe that is actually true, and second, there is no reason why the parent cannot call the school office to get a message to their child.  I did that a number of times before E got his phone when I needed to tell him piano lessons were cancelled or whatever.  He always got the message.  I think if the school actually surveyed parents I think they would find the majority of them do not need to be in constant contact with their kids, and if that is the case, then we don't need to bend to the small majority. 

With all of the media coverage of this matter, people have of course noted that phones can have great educational value, one example for students who speak English as a second language like the convenience of being able to look something up easily.  Students can also use them to records videos, take photos, and other things for science experiments, collect other data, and just do research. All valid points and if there is certain classwork where kids could use their phones, then maybe there could be an exception to the rule for that time. 

However I think that sets up a dangerous precedent that everyone has to have a phone, and a phone with certain capabilities, just to complete classwork and that doesn't seem fair.  It's also difficult for a teacher to monitor exactly how the phones are being used in class, even if the initial reason is a valid one. But kids are quick with their phones and you know that in between the data collection, or whatever, they will be distracted by everything else on their phone.

I'm not naive enough to think that it's just the phones that are distractions in school.  How many notes did I write to my friends during class, and then covertly pass them along without the teacher seeing?  Sneaking in ways to speak to your friends when you're in class is part of the experience of being in school.  But the cell phones have just exponentially increased that distraction.  I also get that this is way people talk to each other now, but are we giving up on all of the other social skills people need to develop?

Online bullying is also a factor.  It used to be that if you were being bullied at school, at least when you got home you didn't have to worry about it.  And then the internet came around and nowhere was safe, the bullies followed you home through your computer.  Wouldn't it be interesting if we could flip this again, and make school the safe place? A place where everyone had a break from their phones, where people don't feel left out because they don't have a phone, or don't have the latest version, or don't have the AirPods and Apple Watch to go with it. Where kids can just talk to each other and gain other life skills besides how to post TikTok videos (a skill that I admittedly do not possess). 

I'm glad that the province is trying to address this issue, but I am not pleased that I immediately got an email from the Toronto District School Board acknowledging the plan and saying they are considering how it could be implemented in this school (i.e. "we cannot say we will ban cell phones").  And I'm not pleased that our school had a good plan already but fails to enforce, allegedly because of a few loud parents. 

If you are a parent, particularly of a child who has a phone, what are your thoughts on letting the kids have them all day long, without restrictions? 

The CBC

This is a pretty niche topic so if you're joining me from outside of Canada, just come back tomorrow.  CBC is our national public broadcaster, it is both TV and Radio.  CBC stands for Canadian Broadcasting Corporation and is called Societe Radio-Canada in Quebec.  There has always seemed to be a debate about whether we should continue to have a government funded public broadcaster, but there has been recent discussion about it again after a poll came out suggesting a majority of people don't really care if we got rid of CBC. I listen to Peter Mansbridge's podcast, The Bridge, and he and his guests have been talking about it quite a bit, but I don't know if anyone else is really following this story.  However I have been thinking about the CBC and wanted to write a bit about it here. 

When I was little we didn't have cable television so all I watched was CBC programming.  Mostly it was pretty good, they had the news, hockey games, original shows (North of 60 sticks out in my memory, as well as This Hour Has 22 Minutes), and a few non-CBC produced shows.  We also listened to CBC Radio in the car and house. I have fond memories of Double Exposure (the political satire show on Saturday mornings) and The Vinyl Cafe (on Sundays after church).  CBC was our go-to for news and special events, like Princess Diana's funeral.  As I grew up I didn't always watch it on a regular basis, but if a big news story was happening (like 9/11) I always tuned into CBC, as I still do today.  Peter Mansbridge was the face and voice for so many things in my life.  

But even though I grew up with the CBC and think they are the best source for news, I don't really watch it much anymore. We don't watch a lot of regular TV, as we mostly watch streaming shows. But you know what is from CBC? Schitt's Creek, and everyone loved that even if most people caught it once it was on Netflix. CBC also made Workin' Moms, Little Mosque on the Prairie, and Kim's Convenience. CBC does make good TV, but unfortunately the market is so saturated, it doesn't get the credit it deserves.

I also don't listen to the radio as much as I used to. I'm not in the car as long as I used to be when I worked in Mississauga, and when I am in the car I'd rather listen to the top hits rather than journalism, although again, I think the CBC radio shows are well produced. We sometimes listen to the morning radio program but I find it really repetitive and once they glom onto a story, they really beat it into the ground. 

But when I hear that there are people out there that want to defund the CBC, I want to protest.  I think it is important to have a national broadcaster that isn't a for-profit business. It doesn't bother me that they are funded by the government, and I really don't think they are biased (at least no more than any other network). In many communities, CBC Radio and TV are the only options. Local newspapers are fading from the landscape, so the local CBC people are the last source of that information.  We can't keep consolidating and reducing these news sources.  So even though I am not as consistent with my CBC consumption as I used to be, I will defend it to my dying breath.  Do you like and support the CBC? What shows do you remember? Is it mostly just nostalgia or do you think the CBC still serve a purpose in our lives? 

Looking for the Light

I don't know about you, but I don't always feel the same way about the holiday season each year.  There are some people who are decorating for Christmas on November 1 every year and pumping that Mariah Carey with enthusiasm and that's sometimes all you see.  I'm writing this post for those of us who are a bit slower to get into the holiday season and to affirm that that's okay.  I remember one year being ready to cue up those Christmas playlists right on November 1 but particularly over the past couple of years, the lead up to Christmas day was more filled with anxiety rather than anticipation.  What could we get excited for and what would we be missing out on? 

This year, all seems to be "normal" but I don't quite feel ready for Christmas yet.  However I have found there have been small little things that have tweaked that excitement - I booked our time to see Santa at the mall, I got my first Starbucks holiday mug on the day they were released, we made reservations for breakfast with Santa at the golf club, and after I write this I'm going to send out the invitation for our annual Christmas party.  Each one a step towards the actual "big day". 

Then at church today our minister spoke about a near death experience he had where he had flatlined briefly. Whenever he had told the story since, everyone always wanted to know if he saw the light when he had "died", and he was sort of disappointed to say no, he only remembers darkness.  I mean, aren't we all looking towards the light of heaven at the end of our lives?! But, what he does remember is that in that time between his heartbeat returning and going to the ICU, his wife said to him "You'd better pull through this because there is a good chance there are three of us here and we will need you to stick around".  He said that although he didn't see a light when his heart stopped beating, the light was right there in that room when his wife told him she thought she was pregnant.  And he continued to say that the light and love of God is happening around us all the time.  So we can wait for the end light of heaven or we can notice and enjoy the light around us everyday.  

Is that not the perfect analogy for my thoughts on Christmas this year?  Sometimes we get so pulled into the big day, when really it's only 24 hours on the calendar.  The Christmas season is much longer than that and doing things like booking Santa or hearing the first Christmas carol are all fine on their own.  So maybe you're not into putting up your tree now or blaring that holiday music, or maybe you are, but whatever works for you, I hope you feel that light as we go forward into the season.

Seriously!?

Can we all just do a collective scream right now?   The hits keep coming - COVID, war, inflation, supply chain and food shortages, and now the erosion of women's rights with the anticipated US Supreme Court revocation of Roe v. Wade.  It's a lot (and I'm not even really suffering myself).  

What really annoys me is that a certain faction of the population shout for "Freedom" at the top of their lungs while taking away the actual freedom of others.  Why do they not see, it's not about them!?! If you don't want an abortion, don't get one.  Why is the sanctity of life so important that we must force people to remain pregnant to save an unborn child, but when they are born, the concern drops off?  And what about the sanctity of life of the mother whose health (mental and/or physical) may be at risk?  

People say that's the United States, we don't need to worry about that, and maybe we don't, but what the takeaway from this Roe v. Wade draft decision is that people lie.  Justice Kavanaugh said in his confirmation hearing that he believed in stare decisis, which means court precedent is supposed to mean something, but that is not what has happened.  I know the Liberals and NDP wouldn't touch abortion rights in this country, but what will the currently leaderless Conservative Party do if given the opportunity? 

Please join me... 

Weekend Recap

Welcome June! This is my favourite month because summer is really getting underway, it's my birthday month, and (usually) it's filled with lots of end of the school year parties/activities.  

I wanted to start this weekend recap by saying that I spent most of the weekend thinking about Canada's residential schools following the discovery of the mass grave of 215 children in Kamloops, BC.  So many of my thoughtful and engaged friends on Twitter and Instagram shared information, thoughts, and grief about the tragic treatment of Indigenous people in Canada, but I wasn't sure what I wanted to say.  For this issue, I know it was terrible, I know that mistreatment (which is a woefully understated word) of Indigenous people continues today, and I know that there is work to be done for actual reconciliation to occur.  It was shock and trauma all over again when this grave was discovered last week, but it should not be an actual surprise to anyone, and when more mass and unmarked graves are found on residential school sites, it will not be a surprise then either.  As unsurprising that it is, to me, it remains unfathomable that so many parents had their children taken from them with many never coming home, and those that did return, coming back traumatized and alienated. And it also is unfathomable that there were so many people at those schools and in public office that thought this was fine.  Did they ever feel badly that they abused these little kids or did they only see them as little wild creatures needing to be tamed, no better than animals?  Did the religious people who ran the schools (my denomination, the United Church included!) really think they were doing God's work? I have a hard time with this part of it. 

I'll leave it with this - there is work to be done - more than lowering flags, more than reposting Instagram stories, more than putting shoes out on your steps.  Those things are hollow symbols without  an adjustment in words, actions, and striving to acknowledge and recognize this shameful aspect of our country. Call on our government to spend the money to implement the Calls to Action from the Truth and Reconciliation. 

I will continue to add my voice even though I have nothing new to say.  I will point out injustice and shame.  I will acknowledge the problem even though I cannot fix it alone or even know what to do. I will respect the experiences of people that I will never know myself.

So moving onto a few photos from our weekend:

On Saturday morning Dave went golfing and I took the boys to Marie Curtis Park (the traditional land of the Wendake-Nionwentsio, Mississaugas of the Credit First Nation, Anishinabewaki, and Haudenosaunee people*). 

It was slightly chilly but still a beautiful morning.  We played on the playground and then walked down to the lake.  It was windy with lots of waves, and we were also delighted to see several kite surfers. 

We stopped in at a bakery on our way home for a little treat - The Happy Bakers.  In the afternoon the boys played games for a bit, Dave cleaned the bathroom, and then I took the dishwasher apart to clean it up.  I do this about once a year and am always surprised what bits are found in there - this time the top of a pop can.  We had burgers for supper and then set up the backyard screen to watch the hockey game. 

On Sunday morning Dave and E went to the golf course to hit a few balls on the range, while Q and I walked up to meet his friends for a treat from The Golden Gecko at the playground (Lessard Park where the same Indigenous groups I noted above lived, and spoke Ojibway*).  It was a lovely morning.

In the afternoon we went on a bike ride to visit some friends before heading home for our dinner - steak, pasta salad, and pie.

*Check out the traditional lands where you are located on the Native-Land website.

Racism Notes

Over the past few weeks I participated in our church's lenten series on white privilege and racism.  Every Wednesday at lunchtime for an hour I joined a Zoom call with 15 to 20 other people.  We opened with a relevant devotional prayer and scripture reading, with comments from the minister, and then we would break into small groups to discuss the topic.  You can see our various topics here with some material.  This is obviously a timely topic and I was happy to participate.  In other times this would have been something conducted in person and I would not have been able to attend since I would have been at work.  

I get my information from a lot of different sources and I like to think I am fairly reasonable at discerning what is the "good" information.  I know I am susceptible to confirmation bias since many of my sources are liberal leaning and align with my views.  I also know I'm never going to be done learning and adapting, but I do think I'm going in the right, progressive direction.  

So something I found very interesting in our church group was hearing from people of different generations and backgrounds who were not up the same speed as me on a lot of these social issues (and of course a few people were farther ahead).  I sometimes assume that everyone agrees with me (or alternatively is showing me the way) so to hear these various perspective was a bit eye opening and I could see that because of these variety of opinions, change is slow to happen (and I realize that sounds so naive).  I will say that all discussions were respectful and although there were a few borderline offensive comments, they were productive sessions and I think quite beneficial to the people who attended.

A few of my takeaway thoughts from these sessions: 

- People feel offended by the suggestion that they have white privilege.  They think people are mad at them for being white and since they can't change that, they feel attacked.  My thoughts on that is that people think privilege is a zero sum game, but it's not.  Lifting up other groups of people doesn't mean we need to take away anything from the white people.  It's not pie. 

- I heard people saying "we should have a Black person come to these sessions and tell us how they feel and what they want." And I'm not by any means discounting what people of colour have to say here, but for me it's like we can probably figure that out pretty quickly; people of colour have been asking for the same thing for many many years and they are exhausted.  They want to be treated equally and not like second and third class citizens.  And not only that, hearing from one Black person is only their perspective, there are lots of people with different experiences and desires. 

(or earlier!!)

- Awareness that there is a problem is the first step.  Maybe we are not personally offended by a phrase, a picture, a statue, the name of a building or street, etc. but we should know and acknowledge that it is offensive to someone else and maybe have some empathy for that.  We should understand that certain phrases are not appropriate and to stop using them.  I also take the next step of calling someone out for using an offensive term when I hear it.  

- And then taking that thought one step further, it is helpful to provide an explanation.  Saying "don't do that" without giving a global context about why it is important isn't helpful.  The person hearing it then feels defensive, but if you're able to explain how their actions or words are part of a larger problem, they may be better able to understand how their (small) change can make a positive contribution to a greater solution.  We grow up with a certain habits and views and for some people it's only been the last couple of years where they have realized those habits and views are problematic.  

- We are not likely to say the right thing all of the time but I think staying silent for fear of being imperfect is a cop out.  A burden of our privilege is feeling awkward.  I mean, if that's the worst that can happen to us, I think we can manage it.  Speak, but then listen, see how you need adjust and grow. Start with good intentions, but direct those intentions into more. I heard numerous times, "Well I went out of my way to be nice to that person and they told me they were offended and felt I was being condescending!"  So in that situation, the speaker could just sit with the thought that since they were just trying to be nice, then it must be the other person's fault for feeling offended.  Or, they could recognize that their words were really micro-aggressions and that they should be aware of those and avoid using them next time.  I am constantly learning this. 

I just wanted to pass along what I picked up at these sessions and maybe start you thinking too.  

January Book Review

Only one book this month.  With the kids out of school and home all day I have little free time to read.  This book is the first one from my 2021 Reading List - The Skin We're In by Desmond Cole.  As I said when I added this book to my reading list, I purchased this book in June of last year when the Black Lives Matter movement heated up.  With all of the various topical books being suggested, I thought I would start with a Canadian one. 

This book takes us through 2016 and discusses various race related events experienced by the author directly, or indirectly, and Black and Indigenous people he knew personally or from the media who suffered at the hands of police.  He writes about a kindergarten student handcuffed by police at a Mississauga school, a mentally unstable man beat to death by Ottawa police, a local Toronto artist arrested and beat up for having an art show without a liquor licence, and a young refugee from Somalia on the road to deportation. 

No one book is going to be the answer for us white folks who will all of a sudden understand the prejudice and downright violence experienced by people of colour.  These books can only help to build on our understanding, contribute to our knowledge, and introduce another perspective from what we have always known with our privilege.  It's one thing to talk about specific people who have been killed or injured by police, we know those names, we have heard those stories, and those things are easier to see as problems.  What this book does is go beyond that and address deeper issues of systemic racism.  There are two such topics I wanted to talk about here:

A few years ago I remember that the Black Lives Matter movement wanted the Toronto Police Department banned from participating in the Pride Parade.  I remember at the time thinking that didn't make any sense, why does BLM get to say what happened at Pride, those are two different groups.  And the police department has gay people so why can't they participate.  I didn't pay too much attention to the story and didn't ask any questions.  Because of my privilege, I was able to ignore it since it didn't have any effect on my life. 

But after reading this book, I now get it; I know why it was a big deal for BLM to speak out on this, how Pride has evolved over time, and why having uniformed officers in a parade may cause trauma for marginalized folks who have often been targeted by police.  I also learned that the message that I was getting did not tell the nuanced story, which is partly why I didn't understand what the big deal was.  The media, although can usually be trusted to tell the accurate story, is also suffering from white supremacy history.  Because of that, we should be discerning about what we hear and ask more questions, do the research, and know that there is likely more to the story than what we are hearing.  Check your privilege and avoid making an ignorant comment, like I probably did when the BLM/Pride thing was happening. .

The other topic is about immigration policy in Canada. We are all very familiar with the people being detained at the border of Mexico and the United States, but you know, the very same thing happens here in Canada.  We keep people in jails when we are deciding whether to deport them.  We send people back to countries where they have no real ties, and could still be in danger.  We may think our system is perfect but it isn't.  That all being said, there was only one chapter about that in the book, and I'm sure there is a lot more to this story (see above point), but I think it is important to realize that systematic racism is alive and well in Canada, we can't pretend we are much better than the United States. 

Also he talks about my hometown Shelburne, Nova Scotia, where many Black Loyalists went during and after the American Resolution.   

So if you're looking for topical book on racism, please pick up this one.  If you are local to me, I'm happy to lend you my copy, just message me.  And you can follow the author on Twitter @DesmondCole.  

Inauguration Day

Canadians are usually interested in what is going on with our neighbours to the South, and the last four years have been no exception.  I remember the tremendous sadness I felt with Donald Trump won the election in 2016.  Not only was he an abysmal choice on its own but I was so disappointed that Hillary Clinton, who has worked hard her whole life and was such a a qualified candidate, lost.  This was my post at that time.

Throughout Trump's term of office there would be certain events or declarations made where I thought, "Okay, Trump can't possibly survive this. He will be kicked out of office", and I would feel excited that this was it, he's gone.  And each time (and there were so many), nothing would happen. All would be forgotten and we would be onto the next thing.  So after a couple of years of that, I gave up, and my saying was "Just let me know when the series finale is on and I'll tune in then".  Meaning this seemed like a television series that kept giving us cliffhangers but then the series would just keep being renewed and the main characters remained.  If I hung onto each possibility that Trump could be removed, then I was always disappointed.  I even thought the "series" would be renewed for another four years, but now here we are finally at the series finale. 

I will be watching the inauguration today and looking forward to the end of Trump's term.  I hope it is the last we hear of him although given his nature and that of his family members, I know they will probably be lurking somewhere.  

I have always liked Joe Biden and I love that Kamala Harris will be there as his VP.  For many people, we feel like we can breath a sign of relief.  Although there will always be problems that seem unsurmountable, at least they will now be approached by an administration that is steady, calm, measured, and empathetic. 

US Election

Last October when Canada held its Federal election (remember that? it was so long ago) I wrote a letter to Peter Mansbridge's podcast (which he read on the show), and I'll copy it here since it sort of mirrors what is going on the United States.  (A little background, Peter had said that typically Canadian elections come down to one single question and that is what people cast their vote for (or against), with the rest of the issues sort of fading into the background.)

My question ties together two themes you touched on this week - the ballot question and how Canadians feel about our identity/image.  If the ballot question will be "Do you like Justin Trudeau as Prime Minister?" and the answer ends up being "No, we're tired of him, let's go with Andrew Scheer?", how can that then be reconciled with an image of Canada being an open and welcoming society, progressive in its views on climate change, feminism, and so on, if our PM will then be pro-life and climate indifferent?  Perhaps if Scheer is elected, then my view of what Canada thinks of itself is wrong, but I have to believe that the majority of people would like a leader that looks to the future rather than one trying to backtrack to the "good old days".  Or would his election actually force us to look at ourselves in the mirror, rather than just patting ourselves on the back if Trudeau wins again, and ignoring some fairly significant flaws in our national fabric (you know the ones).

So at the end of the day, Trudeau was elected again and although won a minority, it was enough for me to say that we are still a fundamentally good country and we will still make the right decision.  Now there are many more nuances there since Andrew Scheer didn't exactly inspire confidence and "lost" the election more than you could say Trudeau "won" it.  But overall, I think a lot of us patted ourselves on the back and did not really acknowledge the differences that exist in our country.  

In the opposite way, you could see that the United States has been deeply divided for some time, long before Donald Trump became President, but many people believed that this year things would turn around and the country could be more united and electing Biden would be proof of that.  Many people thought that this would be an early landslide victory for the Democrats and then Trump and the Republicans could back down and things could carry on, with only a slight four year blip in a relatively stable country.  That did not happen.  As I write this, we still do not know the official end result, but we do know that many many people have no problem whatsoever with Trump as their President, and that is the thing that troubles me.  Even if Biden manages to win the election, the United States cannot ignore the deep divisions, and it may not pat itself on the back. There are big problems down there and having Biden as President won't solve those problems overnight.  

BLM

Here we go again (or rather, here we are still)...reminiscent of June when people took the street to protest police killings of black people, culminating with George Floyd.  Everyone jumped on the Black Lives Matter bandwagon and waved their social justice flags, including me.  I wrote some posts about it, I posted my black square on Instagram, I donated to some black focused charities, and bought some books by black authors. I knew we needed change but like most people didn't really know what that meant and although we were trying, I felt like things sort of petered out, including my own efforts.  So now another black man, Jacob Blake, is shot by police and still here we are.  I know change can be slow but it seems significantly slow here.

What I have heard a few people saying lately is that they don't really watch the news or pay attention to what is going on, that they like to stay positive.  Sadly, that's not going to cut it.  We all need to be paying attention, and to say you don't watch the news is short-sighted and a little ignorant.  I want to be positive too, but I can't ignore the terrible things happening in our world.  I don't really watch the news on a regular basis, but I stay up to date with Twitter and podcasts, and when there are big things happening I watch The National to get the full story.

Something I have been making a practice of doing in the last few years, and will continue to do is listen and learn and try to understand different perspectives and motivations.  I have a very small worldview if I'm just looking through my own eyes and I can't understand everything at first glance, I need to think critically about it.  So here are some of those first glances, and then how I've proceeded beyond that to consider different points of view.  I'm not always convinced by everything, but it does help me to consider why change is not only important, but necessary:

"What does cancelling basketball games do anyway? If the players just go home they haven't made a difference."  Well we have seen the NBA players return to the court now, and they have set in place some positive actions for the league to take, as well as their home communities.  Alone, the NBA can't change the world, but by speaking up, demanding change, and showing us how they are affected on a day to day basis, it all matters, and it contributes to overall change.  People who may not have otherwise paid attention, may have sat up a bit to take notice when "their" game wasn't on.

"We can't tear down statues of historical figures, they helped to create our country (this specifically refers to the statue of John A. Macdonald, Canadas first prime minster)". And similarly "We can't change the name of every school or street named after an old politician who did some things wrong." Yes, we can all agree that people, including historical figures are complicated, they have done good and bad things, but removing a statue isn't ignoring the good things they did, we can still learn about those things, but removing the statue (or the name from the building or street) means that people who may feel triggered by the bad things done by that person don't need to relive that trauma on a regular basis.  John A. Macdonald had terrible policies and said terrible things (many of which I have only learned about because of the statue in Montreal being torn down this weekend) and if I was an Indigenous person who had to walk by that statue everyday, that would probably be upsetting.  Also our new Conservative leader, Erin O'Toole tweeted this photo, and I think it's a bit disingenuous.  There wasn't really a mob, and we don't deny Canada wouldn't exist with John A. MacDonald, just that we may not need a statue of him. Saying we are defacing our past isn't really accurate, since it comes with the assumption that our past is beyond reproach, which is clearly not the case.  Speaking the truth about our past isn't defacing it, just learning the full and true story.

"Why was Black Panther so important anyway? It's just another superhero movie." For Black people, it was pretty important to see a main character (along with the rest of the characters in Wakanda) that looked like them, on the big screen, being more than the side kick.  I am just used to seeing people like me as the hero so it may not seem that important, but it is a pretty big deal, and also important for white kids to see Black people on those positions so they grow up to think it is normal. 

RIP Chadwick Boseman, this loss hurt a lot. 

"Why do we have to mention the original Indigenous groups that lived on this land before every single school event or public meeting?"  To be honest, this did bother me at first, but now I really do appreciate it.  For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, often at the beginning of a public event, the emcee will start by saying, "We acknowledge that this event is being held on the traditional lands of the [insert indigenous group name here]."  I mean, really, it's just more information and doesn't really hurt anyone to mention it, and the kids are growing up becoming accustomed to hearing it and that's not a bad thing. It's a gesture since for many years we just ignored mention of any sort of traditional lands and people.

Keep it going people, keep challenging what is comfortable and normal for you, keep learning about trauma suffered by people of colour, and other marginalized group, change is going to come, but it's not going to happen without us.

Back to School?

The plans for going back to school for many provinces, including our own, Ontario, have been released.

I have my own views about this and I wanted to share them with you and see what you think too, in particular those of you who are parents, educators, and health care professionals.  So please leave a comment on this post, or on my Facebook, or slide into my Instagram DMs (@smacto) and give me your thoughts.

This may be a bit of a jumble and I'll try to organize my thoughts below, but essentially it comes down to this - I am glad that schools will be open for a full school day, five days a week. I have some qualifications to that, but overall I feel excited that my kids can go back to school (Q is starting JK, and E will be in Grade 4).  So what am I missing?  Am I naïve to think this is a good idea?  How do you feel?

From my view it has been difficult to have the kids at home with us while we have been trying to do our full time day jobs.  For my own sanity I need those kids back in school and it needs to be everyday.  We have options of course, if we needed to hire a nanny, we could, but it isn't the solution I want.

I have heard lots of criticism of Ontario's plan and at first I wanted the critics to be quiet, since I heard "5 days a week" and that's all I cared about.  I was afraid too much criticism would lead to clawing back on those days.  But constructive criticism is useful and if the plan can be adapted to improve it, then let's do it. What does drive me nuts is that the government then gets criticized for making a change when it should be applauded for listening and considering different ideas.  They had to start somewhere and no plan will ever be the most perfect plan.

I know everyone has different concerns, but my main one is just getting back to some semblance of normal. Covid will be with us for awhile, even if a vaccine is developed, and we can't just sit in our house forever.  People say the Province is prioritizing the economy over schools but I don't necessarily agree with that; they go hand-in-hand.  Especially for people that don't have flexible jobs or multiple childcare options, the kids need free public school all day everyday for the parents to work.  I do think we could use a bit more creativity for the schools, and maybe we will see that, like more outdoor options until the weather gets bad.

I'm not worried about the kids wearing masks, I think they can handle it, and I know physical distancing will be difficult, so I suppose one of the main issues is class sizes, and that has always been an issue, even without a pandemic to contend with.  I know that the school year will not look the same and that there will be things that are missing, but that doesn't bother me as much. My worry is more that it will all come crashing down and a rise in cases, no matter how slight, will send everyone home for an undetermined amount of time again.  I think we need to recognize that there will be positive cases but we should be able to reduce risk and keep most people healthy. Ontario seems to be trending in the right direction, although the second wave will arrive at some point.

I also see the stories about kids going back to school and it's been a disaster, but I haven't heard any success stories, and I'm sure there must be some, right?! Also each jurisdiction is different in terms of their cases and attitudes towards the virus itself and we don't always know what the exact rules in place are in those disaster scenarios.

So am I totally out in left field here? Is it totally unreasonable to put kids back to school with these guidelines?  Will my kids be the only ones in line on the first day of school?

Positive Action

So aside from speaking up, and recognizing our white privilege, what's next?

Thoughts and prayers are great, but action is required (I wrote about that here). Don't just pray for change, be the change.  Don't hope that the next generation will do better, make changes so our own generation is better.

So here are some ideas - please add your own in the comments:

Make donations to charities that support the cause (bail relief, legal aid, food banks, social programs in low-income neighbourhoods)

Speak out to friends and family that still hold racist views. This can be difficult and awkward, but it needs to happen.  I'm getting good at doing this for gender related issues, so I need to expand for racist comments too. They aren't always as evident, but they are there.

Vote for progressive ideas. For those Republicans down in the United States who are all tweeting and posting about this issue, can they really vote for Trump in October? Watch this video, because I don't know how they could be sincere with their posts and vote for him again. And I know that you can take those comments and match it with any video you want and people can say that wasn't want he meant, but whether he did or didn't (and I think he knows exactly what he is saying), that is how some people hear it and words have power.

Read about the black experience. (Some I've read: An American Marriage, The Nickel Boys, Scarborough, Americanah)

Diversify your social media feeds with people of colour. (Twitter: @sarahcpr, @wkamaubell, @karnythia; Instagram: @torontoshay, @sashaexeter

Watch videos of current events with your children and talk to them about it.  You can do that even with small children.  I was watching this video and Q was beside me ,he asked about if they where bad guys, so even though the topic is way more complicated than that, I could explain that no, they weren't the bad guys. I will be gradually watching a few videos with E as well.

And if you're in Canada, think about how the indigenous experience has been in this country and learn about it as well.  We pat ourselves on the back because we aren't like the US with its various problems, but part of that white privilege is ignoring what happens in our own country.

And yes, pray - my prayer is for people to see all human beings as such, human beings.  To feel the pain of others even if you have never and will never experience that same pain.

Speaking up

I have thought about what is going on in our cities all weekend and I felt like I needed to do another post about it.

I will never be as eloquent as others are about this, and I will never be perfect in what I want to say, I will write things that people may think are wrong or that miss the point, but I will keep talking and I will not be quiet.  Just know that my heart is in the right place even if I make mistakes.  Although I want to give black voices the spotlight, I will quote this white man (Samuel Beckett): "Try again, fail again, fail better".  I tend to not say something until I think it is perfect but if I waited until I found the perfect words, then I would miss an opportunity, so I will fail and I will try again, and try to improve each time. And when my words fail me, then I will seek the words of others. I have seen so many posts in my various social feeds this weekend with people sharing memes, quotes, tweets, videos, their own thoughts, and it feels good, let's keep this going, let's not just post a few things and then move on, because the families and friends of George, Ahmaud, Regis, Trayvon, Philando and all of the others don't get to just move on after a few posts.

Know that your words matter, and your silence matters too because silence isn't adding to the fight, it's simply a void.  I will continue to keep an open mind, to learn by reading and listening, to set examples for my children, to speak up when I can, and to keep fighting for justice and equal treatment for black people and other people of colour.

Silence includes not speaking to your children about racism. This is something I have not really done mostly because I thought I didn't have to - don't make a big deal about it and they will just grow up believing everyone is equal.  But what really happens is that they will draw their own conclusions from what they hear from others and also, you know what, it is a big fucking deal that black people get shot by police for any number of reasons that would not happen to my children, so instead of saying nothing, it should be taught that we cannot stand for it.  If we were a black family, I'm sure that I would have already spoken to my 8 year old son about how to behave when out with friends or if the police pull us over.  So if black kids his own age know all about it, then he should to. These lessons will also be like what I talked about above, I'll probably have to dive right into to the topic, stumbling, making mistakes, saying the wrong things, but I will "try again, fail again, and fail better".

@common_wild

Some things you may want to check out:

Guide to White Privilege - Courtney Ahn Design
Killer Mike's Press Conference re Atlanta riots
Artist Nikkolas Smith
Strong Black Lead Podcast